1:19 PM
Monday, September 20, 2010
It's really hard to believe that I've been stranded here in Loyang for one month, and even harder to believe that I've been working for about two months already! At this rate, I'll go through my customary three years without knowing.
During this period of time, I really have been blessed. Upon reflection, I realised that I have been given a lot without having worked hard or asking for it. Firstly, I have a very close group of friends who hold on tight to me, friends whom I know with absolute certainty will catch me when I fall, no questions ask, friends who will definitely walk with me my whole journey of life. I also recently met a special someone whom I am glad to add to my collection of close friends, who pretends to be a dictator, looks fierce but yet is very soft-hearted. She would go out of her way to ease my burden, share my work and make me smile. I enjoy a wonderful relationship with my family; despite our busy schedules, we will always make time for a meal with each other. Walking with me in my faith, I have several good friends whom I serve with, who would make an effort to remember me in their prayers, and reach out with words of encouragement. Not to forget one other who has been there for me, who never condemns me, who would hear my woes and offer me different perspectives, both worldy and spiritually. Colleagues at work are helpful, and they would never hesitate to reach out that helping hand, not just to answer questions that I have but also to decrease my workload. And lastly, one last person, who gets me the way no others can, without words or expression. He would try to protect me from the whole world if it is possible and shelter all ugliness from my life.
I am contented. More than contented. I am so blessed that even if someone were to raise a finger, point it at me and say "you don't deserve all this", I would agree.
Thank you to all of you who made my life so wonderful.
Labels: September 2009
3:08 AM
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I could have danced all night!
I could have danced all night!
And still have begged for more.
I could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things
I've never done before.
Finally I allowed myself to relaxed to the sound of music, just as I did a long while ago. Sinking into the beats, dancing alone in my room. A familiar routine, but yet glaringly different. He's no longer there. And dancing now, is no longer a part of my life. I miss dancing. Those were the words I used to say all the time. Dancing was so magical, I had plenty of fun. Now I know why I lost so much weight! I just danced 3 songs and I was drenched till dripping. And I used to dance for at least 4 hours on dance nights! He just went offline. Must have been up doing his assignments. Or, up talking to that girl. Haha, its getting easier and easier. The urge to reach out is just like a ghost, haunting but not grasping. It could be out of fear of his reaction, it could be out of my own new found maturity and strength. He is not the one for me. I think I now finally realised. He is not the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Not literally I mean, because I still do.. care. But that if I list down the characteristics of the man whom I want to share my life with, he obviously does not make the cut. So why should I make any compromise? No, there shouldn't be. And I don't want to turn into that woman just like before. It brings a certain degree of shame to remember the little weakling I was. Where was my pride. Where was my strength. If you had the heart to slap and beat me, I don't think you deserve me. I don't think I'm so vile to the extent that I deserve to have a man abusing me for the rest of my life. Not that I don't recall your boyish excitement over little things, especially those related to cars. Not that I don't recall your outstretched arms, bidding me to snuggle up for an old classic movie. You've stolen such a big part of my heart that I don't know how to get it back. But I never knew how tensed, worried and paranoid I had became. My smiles disappeared. When I thought I had them plastered on. That ceaseless gnawing hole in my heart, like a black hole, just growing, absorbing my entire being and joy. I never knew how painful it was until you walked away and that sense of liberation. I remember now. Who I am. Thank you. I love you. It is no longer suppression, but a choice made. I can smile now.Labels: September 2009
10:17 PM
Sunday, September 27, 2009
A sweet aching longingThe familiar scent wafting
A burning sensation
The heart in isolation
Finally, the long awaited term break. It has arrived. Not with a bang, but with a long strand of chores and whispers of hard labour. The F1 race has ended, a footprint once again swept away by the sand grains of time. Part relieved, part yearning. Sometimes I feel that theres a bleak darkness growing. As if tainted. As if vitiated. Hidden by radiance and vibrance, something changes.
I got into the finals for Post-it! Thank you all my dearest lovelies who willingly spared that hand to help me out! I am really glad that I made it through and time to work on the next hurdle. Call me a masochist, I actually enjoy the through-the-night meetings that my team had! Twice we sat together as night turns to day. It was really fun. The companionship was what kept us going. Now.. if only we can emerge top 3, I will get this jacket that I am currently eyeing from Billabong. Its not about the brand, its about how colourful, bright and big it is! Its super comfortable but chi-ching! $120:( If I win, I'll get it with the prize money. Please o jacket, wait for me!
Time passes so quickly. Half the semester is over already, and I feel that I haven't even begun working. One and a half semester left to go. Then I'm out. Work work work. I'm going to turn into a workaholic! I really hope that I will be given an opportunity to go overseas to work. I want to go out there, see all the monsters there are! My friend said that it's so scary to go overseas, work alone, stay alone. Funny, for someone who fears being alone, I find it oddly liberating. I want to stroll along those unknown streets, I want to feel like an insignificant person in a strange foreign place. I want that adventure, strange, foreign and uncertain.
Labels: September 2009
1:09 PM
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
From now until the end of the semester will be work work work. Each module I have about 2-3 presentations and an average of 3 assignments to be submitted. That sounds really scary. After the recess week I'm going to be dead in front of my laptop as I work from day to night and night to day. Sigh. Now I'm not sure if I will be interested to get into the finals for Post-it! Haha, kidding. Of course I would. Interbrand replied my job application to ask me to send in my CV! Though they did say that at this moment there are no openings and would notify me if there is. But I'm so excited already! Haha, I should start sending my CVs to companies. Time seems to be eluding me. I really hope that there will be an opportunity for me to go overseas and grow my career. Though I know that it's going to be really lonely.There is this new bus service to school, like a pick-up point in the east going to school! Sigh, how I wish they have bus service that picks me up from my doorstep, like when I was in primary school! This bus service is probably set up by the entrepreneurship class students in school. It's $3.50 per trip, sounds pretty good, compared to the $22 cab fare that I usually pay. I want to go home. I'm homesick! Haha, and broke.Labels: September 2009
9:50 PM
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands
Standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone
Wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry
I was here
You were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind
For the very last time
Stop living a lie
I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind
For the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down to my last cryLabels: September 2009
12:20 AM
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Maybe it's time. Time to say thank you, for teaching me what it means to love, for teaching me a million and one other things, small but they've infused my life with colour. And close the chapter. Acknowledging the fact that those hands are no longer mine to hold. I try. I feel a little stronger now, being on my own for a while since that day. Sometimes I resent the fact that how something so wonderful could be reduced to nothingless. How connections established could just disappear. All in the blink of an eye. I've been dreaming about him almost every night now. I hope its not due to suppression that's why he emerges in my subconsciousness. When I met Pastor today, the first thing he said to me is "are you okay dear? you look so tired! you look like you can walk into a bus any moment and not know it." I'm working hard towards my dreams, towards what I want from life. When I get there, I hope that upon reflection I'll find that it's all worth it. But like my session with Teacher Pat today, planning must be with eternity in mind, and never walk far from the light. Busy has always been my way to cope with pain. Haha, funny that hasn't changed after all these years. Seeing more of his true self helps. Please help me to close it and walk on.
Interestingly, a friend who has been really nua is starting to get busy too! But she's really stressed out. And that's an understatement. She's getting headaches, insomnia and pretty much freaked out. Don't worry, I will be praying for you:) and when you feel that you cannot make it, I'll be there. To give you that extra strength and lend you my drive!
This semester is really really packed. I never knew I had the ability to pack so many things into my schedule but apparently I do! I'm doing a Post-it branding competition, taking an additional marketing core as my elective, doing design and on top of that plenty of assignments! Pretty much know I'm dead for AA301 Business valuation, an accounting module that since seminar 1 I've been falling asleep in for the whole 2 hours of class! Haha, the teacher is an indian and I can barely understand him with his accent. Plus I don't understand a single nut of what he's teaching. I'm dead!
Can't believe that I'm graduating so soon. Right now, there are so many recruitment drives coming up and friends left right center have already been offered jobs. And I have none. Not even sure where I'd end up though I know where I WANT to end up. I applied to Interbrand global offices, hope that I'd hear from them! They do branding for companies like BMW, Mazda etc. Don't I just wish I can get in?! But somehow somewhere in my guts, I have this feeling that I won't:( Oh well, hopefully just hopefully I won't have to do audit. Or else the next financial scandal in the papers will have my name in it. Unknowing participation of course!
The photoshoot turned out pretty okay. Probably not perfect, but it was fun! I'm in a very contemplative mood right now. Sprained my ankle last Sunday. Funny I've had so many years in sports and the ankle decides to go all funny on me now! Sprain is painful. I hope I never have to to through this again.
Labels: September 2009
