SMILE

1:45 PM

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Yesterday I took half the day off to meet up with my Pastor. At 8.30am I arrived. He greeted me with a huge warm smile asking me "how are you", "are you okay", "have you been losing weight". His love and concern for the members of the church is amazing. There is probably up to 500 or more members, but to each and everyone of us, he pays careful attention. I have finally found my home. Where the church has the foundation and is the guardian of the truth.

The real purpose of the meeting yesterday was for him to open my eyes. He said, "When I see the way you bounce back, I know that you have got latent strength in you. You are a strong person. Where has your strength been?" Looking back, it is really scary. I lost my drive, lost my passion, lost myself. All in the name of. Love. I am not sure if I should weep or rejoice that I have once loved so deeply. Once loved beyond myself. Wondering if I should look for such a love again or maintain that distance. Loving so deeply. There were moments that I was deliriously happy. But I was also vulnerable. And I very nearly destroyed myself because of this love. Maintaining that distance, at least I'd be safe. Regardless, I know when it comes to him, there will never be boundaries, never be limits. And after this once, I don't think I can love like this anymore. Not again. Would you choose a roller coaster ride? Where it can bring you so high that you can touch the sky but also send you down as if you are in hell? Or. Would you choose the MRT train? Always slow, always steady, monotonous, but safe.

Pastor said I only have one eye opened now. Because after hearing everything that I have been told, the reason behind his not drinking, his commitment and duties in church etc, I still struggle. My heart believes and my mind says don't be silly. A man whose heart is hardened and weary, who is so full of himself that it overflows. No space for anyone but himself. So a large part of what was said and done were lies. I lived in this "fairy tale" for a year and a half and gave up all that is precious to me. Only to be woken up to harsh reality now. I hate reality. I don't want to think that it is possible for people to be malicious. For people to say what they don't mean. For people to have ulterior motives. For people not to have goodness within them. I was just forced to grow up. I cannot be that little girl that still believes in the angel in everyone anymore, or can I? Pastor said that I am too trusting. That optimism is good, but I need to learn how to balance that with realism. Isn't that distrust? That you have to verify what people say all the time?

What has been said and done. I want to know how much is true and how much is not. I cannot believe all those tears he shed things he said were just a facade. Too painful. Now it is time to separate the lies from the truth and think. How much do I still love if I separate the meat from the bones? I'm scared to find out that I probably will still love as deeply. Why do I get all the troubled ones?! For once I would like a shoulder to lean on. Seriously.

Labels: June 2009

12:52 PM

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Some say that the sunshine after the rain is such a wonderful sight, the warmth the radiance after the gloom and the damp. I say the rain after the sunshine is just as magnificent, a relief from the blistering heat, a therapeutic tapping of raindrops to bring peace to the weary. I feel the peace seeping back into my soul. Occasionally there are ripples I don't deny. Who am I actually? After looking through a lot of photos from the past 7 years or so, I couldn't recognise the me that I've became. Became because I'm finally returning back to who I was. Strong. Driven. Passionate. Ambitious. Enthusiastic. Workaholic. Dominant. Impatient. Impulsive. Can't believe I was so broken. Haha. Feels good to be back! I got to find more time to blog man. I'm so hooked on You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift and the Korean F4!

Labels: June 2009

9:41 AM

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The him that I see, is so special. I wonder if people can see beyond that him on the surface. To undercover the wonderful person underneath. Calvin and Hobbes is his favourite comic strip. And this is the him that I see.

Labels: June 2009

9:21 AM

I must try to be strong. That's what I try to tell myself. But I know sometimes I fail. The feeling of giving up and sinking into oblivion is rising, but I'm trying to cling on more strongly to my faith, to my friends. How grateful I am, for such a wonderful group of friends, consistently by my side, listening to my ranting and raving. I have made the best decision. The best possible given the situation. Now all it takes is courage to follow my decision through. I honestly have no doubt if given one more chance, I can make things right again. Just that the possibility of that chance occurring doesn't seem too good. But Just has a positive outlook on the future. That's enough for me:) Whee. Haha, I secretly skipped class this morning to update my blog. Later their break I'm going to sneak in. I never do my homework. Haha, yesterday karaoke with Sulin and Jean until so tired and having a mild sore throat. Hmm, looks like a single's club is going to be formed soon man. Everyone, keep smiling! Cos I am. Having to smile despite the tears is definitely one of the most painful and difficult thing to do. But I'm going to try. And when you need me friends, I'm here for you too. Thank you for all your love.

Labels: June 2009