We always wondered how it'd be like; we often thought about the what-ifs. Contemplating, imagining and reflecting, the various forms of alternate realities. A thousand and one things race through my head, incessantly. I read a post that I probably had once before, and I was surprised to find a new layer of significance uncovered. Interesting how the same piece could result in different feelings. I hope it would never be me, never be talked about in that way, never remembered in that light. Last of all, never be in that position or play that role.

Labels: August 2010

I'm about to drive myself insane from boredom. Today was supposed to mark the beginning of my grueling audit life, instead, I'm almost dying from nothing to do. Well, almost. This morning was a frantic mad rush of finding the person who booked me, who happened to be wrong because the staff trek wasn't updated, and then rushing to print and print and print stuff. Then staple, punch and reinforce. And I totally didn't know that the files have a minimum print size and I happily just printed everything without resizing. I think I just demolished an entire forest. Disgusting. I hope I don't have to do too much of this within this two years!

These few days have been crazy with the "what-ifs" that flew through my head. And so many of it unsettled. I wish life could be much simpler. Sometimes I just feel like not thinking anymore, because its so difficult. I could barely find the energy to stay in touch with him and I feel so guilty. Like hey, he's really putting in the effort, and to a certain degree I'm fairly amazed and touched. I doubt that many would even bother, at least from my memories. On the other hand, I am caught between a rock and a hard place. My life feels like its spinning out of control, out of MY control, and I am a control freak. Spinsterhood really looks rather appealing if that means that all the problems will go away. I need to lead a farm life, simple with only the birds in the sky, grains in the earth. No more korean drama please, I more than had enough. Just want to settle with some certainty and regularity. But the road on actually looks bumpy. Oh boy.

Allowing someone to come close again feels disturbing. Too vulnerable, exposed to fluctuations. Sometimes I feel a defense mechanism slipping into place to protect myself.

Labels: August 2010

It is freezing in the office. Everyday I feel like I'm some meat being preserved in a refrigerator. This week is going to be boring, lecture lecture and lecture. Plenty of FRS e-learning to do. Urgh, I suppose this is the boring part of audit. Haha, and this is why for the umpteenth time I have someone come up to me and say "I don't think you suit audit leh. Why you choose to do audit uh?" Haha, trust me people, I KNOW.

The long weekend seemed awfully short. Already I'm counting down to my next holiday. Sadly, this is going to be the case for the rest of my life until I retire. Haha, which won't be until a loooonng way more to go. My stomach is growling like mad. I am hungry. And you can literally tell how slow the class is moving because I am sitting here blogging. Haha.

Attended a wedding on Saturday, Kathy and Xian's. Wonder how I would feel when I walk down that aisle, knowing that I'm going to be bonded for the rest of my life to a person. Wonder if it's going to be willingly or unwillingly. It could be a path of joy or a path of doom. But everytime I attend a wedding, I would always tear, because it is so beautiful, how two person would pledge to cherish and love each other, bonded eternally in the sacredness of marriage. That was my once idealistic belief of marriage, and a desire that I would enjoy the same, but unfortunately it isn't always true. Maybe I won't see the day where I'll walk down the aisle. Even worse, walk down the aisle because I have to, obligated to. I hope that the day wouldn't come. I feel oddly old, maybe because I am of a marriageable age now, when parents are beginning to hound. The day seems awfully and unbelievably near.

I'm nowhere ready, and please don't let it be an unhappily ever after.

Labels: August 2010