I'm about to drive myself insane from boredom. Today was supposed to mark the beginning of my grueling audit life, instead, I'm almost dying from nothing to do. Well, almost. This morning was a frantic mad rush of finding the person who booked me, who happened to be wrong because the staff trek wasn't updated, and then rushing to print and print and print stuff. Then staple, punch and reinforce. And I totally didn't know that the files have a minimum print size and I happily just printed everything without resizing. I think I just demolished an entire forest. Disgusting. I hope I don't have to do too much of this within this two years!

These few days have been crazy with the "what-ifs" that flew through my head. And so many of it unsettled. I wish life could be much simpler. Sometimes I just feel like not thinking anymore, because its so difficult. I could barely find the energy to stay in touch with him and I feel so guilty. Like hey, he's really putting in the effort, and to a certain degree I'm fairly amazed and touched. I doubt that many would even bother, at least from my memories. On the other hand, I am caught between a rock and a hard place. My life feels like its spinning out of control, out of MY control, and I am a control freak. Spinsterhood really looks rather appealing if that means that all the problems will go away. I need to lead a farm life, simple with only the birds in the sky, grains in the earth. No more korean drama please, I more than had enough. Just want to settle with some certainty and regularity. But the road on actually looks bumpy. Oh boy.

Allowing someone to come close again feels disturbing. Too vulnerable, exposed to fluctuations. Sometimes I feel a defense mechanism slipping into place to protect myself.

Labels: August 2010