I think its simultaneously heaven and hell to be torn in the position that I am in. I cannot really believe the sequence of events that has led to this. It's like living a fairy tale with no way of knowing if it is the happily ever after. Or even worse, knowing its not going to be a happily ever after. My conscience is playing hell on my emotions. I feel helpless to control my feelings and I hate myself for being so weak. I understand his position, I wouldn't push. Afterall, am I not considering the same thing? I don't really want to be a third party. How many of those have wrecked my life? And now I'm playing the one role that I hate. And helpless because everything is snowballing. I need to stop it. Maybe live it a while longer. There must be a point where I would walk out.

Secret rendevous. I don't know if it's going to be as much of a strain keeping it low as it is forgiving myself. I'm sure I could keep it quiet almost forever but can we seriously do that? Occasionally I begin to doubt the place that I think I have, are those just mere words? Is this just a way to live out the what-ifs that never took place, to finally know what the wondering could actually be?

If wondering was hard to bear, knowing just made it worse. Because perfection has never seemed so far away nor unattainable.