SMILE

1:45 AM

Saturday, December 26, 2009

This is a year of christmas that didn't particularly bring much joy, instead, I felt as if an unseen force was pressing hard on my chest, choking me. Add another dose of melancholy, that's how this christmas passed. As I was bathing last night or rather this early morning at 5am, I suddenly thought of him again. And how the past two years of christmas passed. The first christmas was a tiring one, he tucked me into his bed and asked me to take a nap after christmas lunch while he went about entertaining the guests in his house. The second year of christmas I was like a mad woman organizing everything, ensuring there was food and drinks, plates and cups and basically keeping everything in order. The third year of christmas I'm alone. It is times like this that make me wonder and ache to talk to him, to ask if he was well. From what I heard, there isn't much progress on the new girlfriend's side. After everything I've been through, I really hate myself for wishing that things could be different, and hate myself even more so for the thought of him passing through my head. If I ever could be honest to myself, I can actually say that I miss him so much it hurts. Everytime any form of emotion could arise, I suppress it and hide it somewhere. I don't want to be caught in the whirlpool once more, but neither can I protect myself from this huge gaping hole in my heart. Not that I haven't thought of distractions, but it really isn't possible. I have nothing left to give. My heart is squeezed dry, and I am afraid that that is how it's going to be from now onwards. Not even time can heal the wounds. And if there were to be anyone else in future, he'll just have to be contented with whatever remnants that he can call my heart.

This christmas makes me feel oddly disoriented. Never been through a less christmas like christmas, though the tree and mad hunt for presents really helps. Well, and the big hole in my pocket helps remind me that christmas has arrived too! But christmas is more than just about presents, its about a gift sent to earth years ago by He who loves us more than anyone in this world. And I am ashamed to say that I haven't done my part, in gratitude and in service. Never reflected nor meditate on His words. I just cut Him off because I to a certain degree associate Him with him. I promise that come January 2010 I want to make things different. Look not on earthly things but on heaven above. May I keep this message embedded deep in my heart. Out of curiosity, I actually went to check on my horoscope. You really can't say that all the aries in the world will feel the way I do now can you. And I was shockingly astonished to find this:

"There may be some sadness right now, but it will soon give way to new hope. Bear it with a stiff upper lip as you always do and the sadness will be gone before you know it. Sadness comes from life not making sense and not knowing what to do about it."

"Focus your attention on what's truly important to you now. That includes material things, of course, but on a far deeper level, it also applies to those qualities you find admirable, both in others and in yourself. If you're seeing someone who answers that description, it's time to settle down. Otherwise, resume the hunt."

Isn't it interesting? Wonder how do these people come up with these messages. Of course, if I'm happily in a relationship right now I'd be laughing. But I'm not. And I think it's true. I should focus on what's truly important to me now. Firstly on my spiritual walk, next my friends and family and lastly developing ME. Haha, like a brand, find out who me is and create a newly improved ME.

Jean is coming back soon, gosh do I miss her. Counting down. And spent my first christmas with Sulin! Thank you all my wonderful friends who took an extra effort and make or buy me something. I hope that you will be happy always, from the bottom of my heart.

Labels: December 2009