SMILE

12:27 AM

Monday, October 26, 2009

You know that when you see that someone you alternate between f*** you and I miss you that the person is trouble. Haha, and I do, that's why I keep away. And I think I've been mixing around with the wrong type of people or so, because I catch myself a few times a day about to spill that word out man. The people around me seems to be saying it in almost every sentence!

I think I'm drifting, please draw me closer and back. I don't want to be lost again. I want to stay close. I am aware and I think I need to do something soon.

I'm a paradox. I can shrug and say it's alright, but I'm hurting inside. I can flex my muscles, pretending to be strong, a "man", but deep down I'm just a small little woman who wants to be treated right. I can laugh and grin, but I'm so annoyed and frustrated. Sometimes I just ask myself, to be a little more honest, to show the real me, but I realised that I can never take that mask off. Pride? What's keeping that mask in place? Because sometimes that mask really torments me, it pains me. It's so tiring. But yet, I can never get it off.

Today I procrastinated, I excused myself from church. Told myself it was a lie, told myself that it was because I have so much work to do I don't have time. But the worst of all was knowing that they are all lies. My personal mentra being "theres no such thing as no time", obviously I know I was lying, to myself. And it doesn't work. Maybe because I want to live up to other's expectation, of being strong, of being this invincible girl who can stand up to anything, who can battle anything. But the simple truth is, I dread seeing him with that girl. Haha, but you know, I feel like laughing. Because everything that has happened is just a repeat of my entire two relationships. EXACT REPITITION. And that dread, is not a result of him being together with someone else, but a dread that he will just end up like me. Meaning, he'll finally find that someone that he loves more than himself. I'm not afraid of him being in another relationship, because I will give it an 80% chance of failure. What if, just what if, everything that happened to me happened to him? Haha, it's just my competitive nature I guess. I always want to be the best. Even if he finds someone else, I want to be the best. To be remembered as the best. When I was with him, I did regularly think of the past him. I wonder if he'll do the same. AAAhhhh well. Sometimes I should just tell myself I tried my best, it's enough. But I find myself leaning on the side that goes what for try your best if it isn't enough? Should try until it's enough, not just the best. I can't seem to accept failure, that's why every single failure I take it so hard.

I wish I can stop being me. And I can stop caring so much about what other people think and feel. If it takes me going overseas to do it, then so be it. I just want to take that mask off for a while and discover the real me.

Labels: October 2009